Enoch the Red

Now this is a Cover Letter

I actually received this at work from someone inquiring about a position:

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5-20-2006

Dear Sir/Madame –

I am writing to inquire about the position that has recently opened up at your company. While I recognize that parting is difficult to do, it is the best thing in some cases. I am sure that whatever the reason was/will be for that one person’s departure and that they are/will be disappointed about being terminated, I am, truth be told, excited about coming in next week Tuesday or so to replace him/her.

I would like to start by saying that I am very excited about the opportunity to work with your esteemed firm and would like to thank you in advance for the generous offer. I have put in my two-week’s notice here and, though my boss & boss’s boss were disappointed, they understood that an opportunity like the one you have/will be offering me doesn’t come long every day (and especially not on Saturdays!).

You will note from the attached resume you requested a second copy of for your HR files that I am quite accomplished in the art of what it is that your firm does over there. I would also like to say that I am far more talented and efficient than the person who was recently in charge of doing it or is currently doing it is at doing it. I don’t know if you have noticed how much better it will/would be to have me doing that thing twice as thoroughly and with fewer coffee/smoke breaks over there than that other person who is not so great at it or underperforming. I have heard how you are/were rather fed up with his/her performance with regard to that thing that they are supposed to do better than they actually were/are (hence their subsequent/forthcoming departure).

As I have written before (in my first offer acceptance letter) I have been interested in working for your firm ever since I can remember learning about (insert company name here). I remember vividly reading or hearing and/or seeing your corporate logo in a local/national newspaper/billboard or in-flight/hotel room complimentary copy of that magazine your firm was in. It was a very intriguing logo and/or piece and it really piqued my interest. From that moment on, as you can tell from my resume, I have been working very hard to position myself in such a way as to make it near impossible for me not to accept your gracious offer (or for you to offer me more money & vacation time). Sometimes when I am not doing or thinking about other things, I think about achieving/having achieved that dream and about how proud my parents are/would be and how much better you feel/would feel about having me work there every day rather than that other person who is doing/was doing the thing that is the job that should rightly be mine instead of theirs.

Anyway, I am glad you are as convinced I am the best person for that job as I am over there. And, knowing our/your firm as I do (as well as from the looks of your logo), I know you will immediately recognize my potential to do better than the sniveling incompetent that is currently/was until recently responsible for it.

On a personal note, I hope/am glad to hear that that one thing has finally been cleared up and that you and yours are doing well. I also wanted to congratulate you on your recent promotion/new car/wedding. I was happy to hear that everything is well with the house/neighborhood/liver and that the future at (insert your firm’s name here) is as bright as you are talented.

I’ll see you on Thursday!!!!!!

Thanks again. I wont let you down.

Sincerely,

Jasmond Latrelle

posted by Root @ 5/22/2006 02:49:00 PM