Now this is a Cover Letter
I actually received this at work from someone inquiring about a position:
--------------
5-20-2006
Dear Sir/Madame –
I am writing to inquire about the position that has recently opened up at your company. While I recognize that parting is difficult to do, it is the best thing in some cases. I am sure that whatever the reason was/will be for that one person’s departure and that they are/will be disappointed about being terminated, I am, truth be told, excited about coming in next week Tuesday or so to replace him/her.
I would like to start by saying that I am very excited about the opportunity to work with your esteemed firm and would like to thank you in advance for the generous offer. I have put in my two-week’s notice here and, though my boss & boss’s boss were disappointed, they understood that an opportunity like the one you have/will be offering me doesn’t come long every day (and especially not on Saturdays!).
You will note from the attached resume you requested a second copy of for your HR files that I am quite accomplished in the art of what it is that your firm does over there. I would also like to say that I am far more talented and efficient than the person who was recently in charge of doing it or is currently doing it is at doing it. I don’t know if you have noticed how much better it will/would be to have me doing that thing twice as thoroughly and with fewer coffee/smoke breaks over there than that other person who is not so great at it or underperforming. I have heard how you are/were rather fed up with his/her performance with regard to that thing that they are supposed to do better than they actually were/are (hence their subsequent/forthcoming departure).
As I have written before (in my first offer acceptance letter) I have been interested in working for your firm ever since I can remember learning about (insert company name here). I remember vividly reading or hearing and/or seeing your corporate logo in a local/national newspaper/billboard or in-flight/hotel room complimentary copy of that magazine your firm was in. It was a very intriguing logo and/or piece and it really piqued my interest. From that moment on, as you can tell from my resume, I have been working very hard to position myself in such a way as to make it near impossible for me not to accept your gracious offer (or for you to offer me more money & vacation time). Sometimes when I am not doing or thinking about other things, I think about achieving/having achieved that dream and about how proud my parents are/would be and how much better you feel/would feel about having me work there every day rather than that other person who is doing/was doing the thing that is the job that should rightly be mine instead of theirs.
Anyway, I am glad you are as convinced I am the best person for that job as I am over there. And, knowing our/your firm as I do (as well as from the looks of your logo), I know you will immediately recognize my potential to do better than the sniveling incompetent that is currently/was until recently responsible for it.
On a personal note, I hope/am glad to hear that that one thing has finally been cleared up and that you and yours are doing well. I also wanted to congratulate you on your recent promotion/new car/wedding. I was happy to hear that everything is well with the house/neighborhood/liver and that the future at (insert your firm’s name here) is as bright as you are talented.
I’ll see you on Thursday!!!!!!
Thanks again. I wont let you down.
Sincerely,
Jasmond Latrelle
My Late Night Interview with Overstock
> Welcome to Overstock.com's Customer Service Live Chat! You will be joined with a chat representative momentarily.
> Welcome to Overstock.com Customer Service, you are now chatting with Clark.
>Clark: Thank you for visiting Overstock.com. How may I help you today?
>you: Hi, Clark. Package shipped yesterday and I can't find the tracking on the site.
>Clark: I am sorry to hear that and I'll be glad to help you with that.
>Clark: To help you better may I have the order number or invoice number please?
>you: Daniel Collins [Street Address typed]
>Clark: May I have the email address which is registered at Overstock.com?
>you: hello?
>you: croolwurld@earthlink.net
>Clark: Thank you for the email address.
>you: De nada.
>Clark: Thank you for verifying your name and billing address, Daniel.
>Clark: Are you referring to '14kt Cultured Freshwater Black Pearl Strand (6.5-7 mm 18 or 16 inch)'?
>you: Yep. You're welcome, Clark.
>you: So, what's up?
>Clark: Are you referring to that item?
>you: Yes, that's the item.
>Clark: Thank you for the confirmation.
>Clark: I reviewed your account, I see that your item was shipped on 05/11/2006.
>Clark: Normally, from the order date it will take 5-10 business days to reach you.
>you: Yes, that's what I said.
>you: And?
>Clark: I am sorry that our warehouse have not updated the tracking information still.
>Clark: Please be assured that your item is still in transit.
>you: And that is because? I paid for upgraded shipping.
>you: It would be nice to know . . .
>Clark: Yes, I am sorry for the wrong information.
>you: I guess you're a real person, but you type a little like HAL from 2001.
>you: What wrong information?
>Clark: I see that you have paid for the one day shipping.
>you: That's correct.
>Clark: Your item takes 3 busines day from order date.
>you: Can you please notice whatever else there might be?
>Clark: You will receive your item by 05/15/2006.
>you: Oh, does it? It said one to three.
>you: And it doesn't inspire confidence that you all can't find the tracking.
>Clark: If you have not received item by this date, please let us know.
>you: Oh, by Monday, huh?
>you: And what leads you to believe that?
>Clark: I am really sorry for the inconvenience caused in this regard.
>you: That's fine. May I type with a supervisor?
>Clark: It our 1 day shipping time frame.
>Clark: I will be glad help you with your concern.
>you: What your one day shipping time frame?
>Clark: Best I can do is I will forward a note to warehouse to update the tracking information.
>you: And how is it that you propose to help me?
>you: Wonder why that didn't happen today when I spoke to Junior. He's the one who asked me to chat back this evening.
>Clark: Yes, 3 business days is the time frame for 1 day shipping.
>you: Okay. Well, let's see. This shipped on the eleventh, yeah?
>Clark: Yes, it is shipped on 11th.
>you: This shipped on the eleventh, it's the twelfth, and you're saying that it willl deliver Monday, the fifteenth?
>you: By my reckoning, that's two business days.
>you: What's the guarantee that it will arrive Monday, or will I go through this rigamarole again, then?
>Clark: Please be assured you will receive the item by monday.
>you: And how much is it to ask that I get tracking for this?
>you: Where are you all located?
>Clark: If you have not received the item by monday, we will issue the shipping charge back to the credit card.
>Clark: We are in Utah.
>you: I really don't mean to hassle you, Clark, but this blindness about tracking really stinks.
>you: And I just wonder, when would I be able to expect a reply regarding tracking>
>you: If I were to ask the warehouse to "update" shipping info?
>Clark: You can expect the tracking information within 24-48 hours.
>Clark: It will be updated on your account.
>you: Bwahahahaha!
>you: So you're saying that I'd get it by Sunday night?
>you: Can you explain why it's not available now?
>you: Shouldn't this be kind of automatic?
>Clark: I can understand your concern.
>Clark: Please give us 24-48 hours to update your tracking information on your account.
>you: But/and/however?
>you: I don't blame you.
>Clark: I will see this personally done for you.
>Clark: Please be ssured that your tracking information will updated within 24-48 hours.
>you: Because management wants you to take the heat for this incomprehensible lack of business communication?
>you: Ridiculous.
>you: Please rest assured . . . please give us . . . Clark, I came to YOU guys for something.
>Clark: I am really sorry for the inconvenience caused in this regard.
>you: But hey, maybe there are people wanting to chat whom you CAN help, so I won't waste more of your time.
>Clark: I will forward this issue to our forward this issue to our research team.
>you: Let your people know . . . yes, you said that . . . but please try to type less like an automaton.
>Clark: We will contact you within 24 hours as soon as possible.
>you: Let your people know that according to Dan Collins, this sucks.
>you: *Rolls eyes* Okay, Clark. Thanks for trying. Have a good weekend.
>Clark: Is there anything else that I can help you with?
>you: Well, you haven't been able to help me with anything yet, Clark, so no. But again, thanks for trying.
>you: Bye.
>Clark: I absolutely understand how you are feeling right now and to be honest, I would have felt the same.
>Clark: I truly apologize for the inconvenience this has caused to you.
>Clark: Thank you again for visiting Overstock.com. Have a great day!
> Chat session has been terminated by the Overstock Service representative.
> You are not currently in a chat session.
> You are not currently in a chat session.
>
>
Giving Bush His Due
I got the idea for this post from Mark belling, a local conservative talk-show host in the Milwaukee area, and oft-tapped fill-in for Rush Limbaugh when Rush is... err, doing what Rush does when he's not doing his show. So, don't blame me for the topic.
Belling points out that no matter how often it is said and pointed out and proven that reducing taxes increases Gross IRS tax revenue and bolsters the economy, the Left either: 1) cannot canceptualize how this could be, or 2) is so desperate to live in Neverland that it fails to concede the point in the face of overwhelming data which speaks to this truism of economics.
Works like this, for example: reduce the capital gains tax and, go figure, more folks retire their holdings for liquidity instead of leaving their assets in asset form. When assets are liquified, taxes are realized because Income has occurred. When investors do not retire their stocks, et cetera, no tax is realized, as no income has occurred.
Taking it one step further, whether individuals or corporate entities, when assets are liquidated, there is more cash on hand to spend. When businesses and individuals spend money, they spend it on products... products (demand) have to be produced to meet the demand, and hence businesses flourish, thereby hiring and employing more folks. The more people making money, the more Income tax that is paid. The healthier the economy and the more liberally businesses hire, the more money is paid out in Income to people, who then pay taxes.
So, while the DOW is set to hit record highs, fewer than 5% of the America's eligible workforce is unemployed, and tax revenue has grown by 11% over last year for the same period (first 7 months of 2006 and 2005, respectively), the left continues to beat its drum pertaining to budget deficits and repeating the tired old, and fictitious mantra that tax cuts are evil and are somehow linked to greater Federal Budget Deficits. Again, either they are dumb, or know the truth and simply cannot face that this is a crock.
All things being equal, if Tax Revenue is up, how is it that the deficit continues to grow? Simple: spending is the problem. the feds cannot help but to overspend on pointless junk. But without the increase in Federal taxes collected, wouldnt the deficit be larger still? The answer is yes! So, in fact, lowering taxes has a positive impact on the deficit, all things being equal.
It is not an opinion. This is fact. Not open to debate. But of course open to revision.
Al Bino Offended by DaVinci Code Portrayal
Castlebury - MD
ROOT - so we're told you find the DaVinci Code film offensive. How so?
BINO - well, for its depiction of Catholic Church.
ROOT - well, okay, but what specifically?
BINO - Okay. Well, for starters, everyone knows DeVinci himself hated the Catholic Church.
ROOT - Really?
BINO - Really. Hell, he was an artist. I mean, he was just in it for the money. It's not like he was really inspired or anything. Shit, he was in it for the paycheck.
ROOT - And your source for this info?
BINO - Look. being an artist myself, let's just say I know he wasn't really into it. I can tell. I mean, for instance, the Pieta... not his best work... now, before you say anything, let me explain.
ROOT - but DaVinci didn't ...
BINO - It was a statement of what the Church has done to humanity.
ROOT - It was Michelangelo who ...
BINO - the Church, being Mary in this case, holding the dead "Christ" in her arms. Of course. the Christ represents humanity.
ROOT - err...
BINO - He was totally known for his secret messages and stuff in his work and stuff.
ROOT - uh huh...
BINO - And so to look at his work, in this case the Pieta, and say 'oh, look... it's "the Virgin" holding the crucified "Christ" seems a bit rediculous.
ROOT - And how do you figure that's not precisely what Buonarroti was looking to depict?
BINO - Because it just doesn't seem like him. I mean, if I were him, I would have done the same thing. What do you mean, Buonarroti?
ROOT - Michelangelo. Isn't it more likely that it is just that... the Madonna holding the corpse of Jesus?
BINO - More likely? I should say not. He was nothing if not an artist. It's not like they didn't have causes and stuff like that back then. I mean, today it's all about uncovering misogeny and corporate corruption... back then they had their own set of sensitivities. And, anyway, the fact that Buon-arro-ti, err, Michelangewhatever carved it proves how mysterious he was.
ROOT - Ummm. Okay. Enough on that. You said you took offense at the depiction of the Church.
BINO - Well, yeah. I mean, sure they had a couple evil priests and numeraries and shit like that, but that was just token stuff.
ROOT - Token?
BINO - Well, sure. I mean, look what they did during the Inquisition and stuff. No mention of it in the movie. And no mention of excorcisms either. No child molestation, no gay sex. I mean, I think the director really failed to stick it to them.
ROOT - Well, some might say that's a repugnant view of the world's most charitable institution.
BINO - I don't think the mother who wants an abortion in Mexico and wants to be a priestess in the Church would agree.
ROOT - Ummm.
BINO - I mean, let's face it... push comes to shove, most Catholics are just stupid, brain-washed, small-minded, politically-incorrect, folks riding on the coat-tails of Protestants.
ROOT - What?
BINO - All I am saying is if any good comes of this film it will be that we finally all get to see the true Catholic Faith at work. Mysterious folks living in the shadows, cannibalism, mysticism, Albinos, sexually-repressed, gay priests, child rape, starvation, intimidation... you know, all that stuff. it's about time the world wakes up to the true nature of the church.
ROOT - But what you said is highly-offensive.
BINO - Hell, it's nothing all of us aren't thinking already.
ROOT - nor anything they haven't been saying for a couple millenia.
Patrick Kennedy Does DC: A One-Act Play
DC Cop: "I think that he's claiming that he's a Kennedy, sir."
Captain: "He looks like a Kennedy."
Patrick: *Gurgle*
DC Cop: "He sounds like a Kennedy, sir."
Captain: "That he does. But we must exercise caution. Administer the test,
Sergeant."
DC Cop: "THE test, sir?"
Captain: "Did I stutter? Yes, THE test."
DC Cop" "Yes, sir!"
DC Cop: "Mr. Kennedy?"
Patrick: *Gurgle*
DC Cop: "Please step over here and put your toes on the white line. No, your
. . . here. Good."
Patrick" *Gurgle?*
DC Cop: "Yes, that's fine. Now, extend your arms out to the side. No, up
a little."
Patrick: *Gurgle?*
DC Cop: "Yeah, that'll do. Now slowly bend over and stick your head up your
ass."
. . . . . .
Captain: "He's a Kennedy. Drive him home, boys."
Should I be Offended? Or will you be offended for me?
Terrible Terry O’Tate says:
“maraíonn tú caife
go ngrúdaí tú mo”
As with most office environments, we have folks who take the last cup of coffee and do not see fit to brew another batch. This, along with leaving dishes in the sink instead of rinsing them and putting them in the dishwasher, is cause of no little concern for some of the more OCD among our staff. Much gnashing of teeth has occurred in the ranks of management to figure a way to "modify" this poor behavior. It should be said, however, that the Management really does not care so much about the politics of office hygine, but rather has been moved to act, as is often the case, by the rattling of cages of a handful of employees who find dishes in the sink disturbing. Similar is the origin of the concern over "killing the coffee" and failing to brew more. So much has been made of this travesty that it has become somewhat of a joke. That Management is adamant about correcting this injustice instead of spending their efforts on matters which are of import to the well-being of the business is not lost on the folks who work here.
So, it is no surprise that someone posted an image of Terrible Terry Tate behind the Coffee Maker that reads "Terry Tate says: 'if you kill the jo, make some mo." If you have not seen Terry Tate, the Office Linebaker, you will find the reference odd. Yet, if you take the time to view an eposode of Terry Tate, you will see that it is about the funniest thing on the net. The pieces are produced by Reebok and are pure comic genius, in my humble estimation.
Suffice to say, someone here at work found the material potentially offensive. To put this in context, of 50 employees there is but one black guy. And he reports to me. When he saw the picture of Terry tate and read the message, he laughed out loud...because all folks, no matter their color, find Terrible Terry Tate, the Office Linebacker, hilarious. Unless of course they have no sense of humor to begin with.
Anyway, Management had to remove the notice once it was brought to our attention that it might be deemed offensive and pose an HR problem. Daigham, the only black guy in the entire building, noticed and wondered where Terry had gone to. So, I told him. He said, "geez, the next time someone wants to be offended for me, it would be nice if they asked me permission first. Hell, I thought it was funny."
We then discussed the "intention" of the well-thinking person who brought it up to Management (anonymously of course). Daigham wondered how they turned such an innocuous and entertaining poster into a race issue. He wondered aloud what kind of person would assume to be offended on his behalf (which he did in fact find offensive and degrading). He then said something which I think was right on the money:
"The poster itself was Black and White...it was funny...but the person who complained only saw the color of the man on the paper."
Cable Gouging
"NEW YORK (AP) -- Media conglomerate Time Warner Inc. reported Wednesday that its first-quarter profit climbed nearly 60 percent..."
When can we expect to see our governors on the steps Time Warner demanding profit caps to relieve the high cost of cable? One wonders... my guess? Never.
- Root.
